Claire Conger

Last week I had an encounter with a woman who told me, “You don’t have to yell at me!”

“Oh, sorry!” I replied and sat back.

We were in bridge class and she, my partner, had trumped my trick.

Because it was class, I picked up her card, gave it back to her, and told her to play a no-account card, something she wouldn’t need. She looked confused, so I leaned forward and explained, louder, more forcefully, that you don’t have to use a trump card if you’re out of the suit that was led.

That’s when she replied, “You don’t have to yell at me.”

I consider this a very healthy response on her part.

There were three positive outcomes.

In the first place, the rest of us at the table realized that she needed very basic instructions, which we proceeded to supply.

Secondly, the woman was exhibiting behavior that acknowledges an emotion—I’m angry at you for treating me with such disrespect—and then lets it go. A good example for all of us.

Thirdly, her response, direct and to the point, stopped cold my abrasive communication style.

After bridge class, as I lunched with my dad, something he said, I don’t remember what, did not seem true to me. To counter my expression of doubt, he raised his voice and spoke directly and forcefully to me. This is the same aggressive and controlling technique he’s used on me all my life.

But this time, at his you-better-listen-and-obey display, instead of my stomach knotting, I sat back with a gentle laugh. Dad backed off and the confrontation was over.

I’ve read recently about people using communication coaches. Well, this is exactly why one needs them. In my efforts to get my ideas across, I’ve been copying my dad, unknowingly.

A communications coach can bring such suboptimal behaviors to your attention and teach you more effective ways of getting your ideas across and sharing your emotions.

Had it not been for that woman at bridge class saying “You don’t have to yell at me,” I’m not sure I’d have seen the connection.