Claire Conger

I happened upon Carolyn Hax’s “Tell Me About It” column today in the San Diego Union-Tribune. Ms. Hax responds to “Whose $$$ Is It” about fiances’ incompatible views concerning money.

Her crucial point turns out to be not about money at all. She points out to Whose $$$ that everything in his (or her) letter indicates that he (she) neither trusts nor respects his (her) spouse-to-be.

Ms. Hax suggests that Whose $$$ re-read his (her) own letter. It’s telling that Whose $$$ does not mention in the letter anything good about his (her) spouse-to-be.

This asking oneself “What do I say about my spouse to be” might be accompanied by “Am I lying to myself or others to justify this marriage?” These would seem to be crucial questions one would be wise to ponder before the fatal day.

For extra help analyzing your own thoughts, consider this: When partners ask each other “Do you love me?” The way you can figure out it the other person’s “Yes” is heartfelt is by how fast he (she) responds.* If he (she) hesitates, the real answer is probably “No.”

In your internal dialog, how fast do you respond to questions such as “Do I trust spouse-to-be to be faithful? or “Do I trust spouse-to-be with money?”

As Ms. Hax writes, “Marriage is an as-is sale.”

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.

* Information on the how fast test from lectures by Dacher Keltner UC Berkeley Psychology 156 Human Emotion Falll 2007.