Claire Conger

Poor little Britney is in the news again today, and again about visitation with her kids.

Her court-appointed parenting coach reports that Britney “loves her children, and the children are bonded” to her BUT adds that Britney (under observation) “rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.” One might assume that Britney is too busy with her friends to interact with her kids, except that the household environment is described as “somber.”*

It sounds like little Britney is shutting down emotionally. It’s very understandable. Any mother barred from seeing her kids, might feel overwhelmed when she gets to be with them.

Many of us go blank and seem to feel nothing when we find ourselves in an overly exciting situation. We’re guarding ourselves from the pain we anticipate when we lose, as we expect, the object to which we’ve attached.

In Britney’s case, the expectation of loss is well-founded—the court allows her a limited amount of time with her kids. But many of us shut down in a similar way even when there is no logical reason for us to expect a loss.

Somewhere we learned that what we value will be taken away. Somehow we learned to curb our enthusiasm, as if our exuberance itself would generate the taking away.

What we lose in this interaction doesn’t have to be something real. It could be abstract—our own self-esteem, for example. We may be enthusiastic about an idea only to be shot down for our exuberance.

We don’t learn to suspect the person who judges us. We learn to curb our enthusiasm.

* Quotes are from an Associated Press story by Robert Jablon as reported in the San Francisco Chronicle October 31, 2007.

The court-appointed parenting coach is Lisa Hacker. Britney is lucky to have such a person. (She may not feel so.)